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Got a Good one ?
E-mail me with it and I'll share. 

ANOTHER DANGER OF CLONING 

A scientist, on hearing the miracles of cloned sheep, decided to ignore all warnings and clone himself. Soon he would have another him; doubling his work capacity and providing company on those all-night reseach binges. But a problem developed. His new double looked just like him, sounded just like him, and acted just like him; but whenever he spoke a pure stream of filthy language spewed forth. The terrible twin talked such a blue streak he made dead sailors blush. Soon, the scientist could take it no more. He lured his lewd lookalike to an ocean cliff, crept up behind him and pushed his dirty doppleganger over the edge. He stayed just long enough to see the rude replica dissapear into the surf, then slipped quietly home, free at last! But he didn't get away with it. The whole thing had been seen by neighbors. Eventually he was arrested and charged with making an obscene clone fall. 


QUOTES FROM THE BOSS 

-Quote from a recent meeting: "We are going to continue having these meetings, everyday, until I find out why no work is getting done". 
-Quote from the Boss: "I didn't say it was your fault. I said I was going to blame it on you." 
-A motivational sign at work: The beatings will continue until morale improves. 
-A direct quote from the Boss: "We passed over a lot of good people to get the ones we hired." 
-HR Manager to job candidate: "I see you've had no computer training. Although that qualifies you for upper management, it means you're under-qualified for our entry level positions." 
-Quote from telephone inquiry: "We're only hiring one summer intern this year and we won't start interviewing candidates for that position until the Boss' daughter finishes her summer classes." 


ROAD TRIP (from Donna M. Jones) 

A Software Engineer, a Hardware Engineer, and a Departmental Manager were on their way to a meeting in Switzerland. They were driving down a steep mountain road when suddenly the brakes on their car failed. The car careened almost out of control, bouncing off crash barriers, until it miraculously ground to a halt scraping along the mountainside. The car's occupants, shaken but unhurt, now had a problem: they were stuck halfway down a mountain in a car with no brakes. 

What were they to do? 

"I know," said the Departmental Manager, "Let's have a meeting, propose a Vision, formulate a Mission Statement, define some Goals, and by a process of Continuous Improvement find a solution to the Critical Problems, and we can be on our way."

"No, no," said the Hardware Engineer, "That will take far too long, and besides, that method has never worked before. I've got my Swiss Army knife with me, and in no time at all I can strip down the car's braking system, isolate the fault, fix it, and we can be on our way." 

"Well," said the Software Engineer, "Before we do anything, I think we should push the car back up the road and see if it happens again." 


Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you wanna go out for a drink?" and they reply "Yeah, give me five minutes,"
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider US Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail,"
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your schedule is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29 You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30 There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in.?...In your spare time...when you're freed up.....I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you
32. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers,"
36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.


Signs That You've Had Too Much Of The 90's:

1. You try to enter your password on the microwave.
2. You haven't played solitaire with real cards in years.
3. You have a list of 15 phone numbers to reach your family of 3.
4. You e-mail your work colleague at the desk next to you to ask "Do you wanna go out for a drink?" and they reply
"Yeah, give me five minutes,"
5. You chat several times a day with a stranger from South America, but you haven't spoken to your next door neighbor yet this year.
6. You buy a computer and a week later it is out of date.
7. Your reason for not staying in touch with friends is that they do not have e-mail addresses.
8. You consider US Mail painfully slow or call it "snail mail,"
9. Your idea of being organized is multiple colored post-it notes.
10. You hear most of your jokes via email instead of in person.
11. When you go home after a long day at work you still answer the phone in a business manner.
12. When you make phone calls from home, you accidentally insert a "9" to get an outside line.
13. You've sat at the same desk for four years and worked for three different companies.
14. Your company welcome sign is attached with Velcro.
15. Your schedule is on a diskette in your pocket.
16. You really get excited about a 1.7% pay rise.
17. You learn about your redundancy on the 9 o'clock news.
18. Your biggest loss from a system crash is that you lose all your best jokes.
19. Your supervisor doesn't have the ability to do your job.
20. Contractors outnumber permanent staff and are more likely to get long-service awards.
21. Board members salaries are higher than all the Third World countries annual budgets combined.
22. It's dark when you drive to and from work, even in the summer.
23. You know exactly how many days you've got left until you retire.
24. Interviewees, despite not having the relevant knowledge or experience, terminate the interview when told of the starting salary.
25. You see a good looking, smart person and you know it must be a visitor.
26. Free food left over from meetings is your staple diet.
27. The work experience person gets a brand-new state-of-the-art laptop with all the features, while you have time to go for lunch while yours powers up.
28. Being sick is defined as you can't walk or you're in hospital.
29 You're already late on the assignment you just got.
30 There's no money in the budget for the five permanent staff your department is short of, but they can afford four full-time management consultants advising your boss's boss on strategy.
31. Your boss's favorite lines are: When you've got a few minutes...Could you fit this in.?...In your spare time...when you're freed up.....I know you're busy but...I have an opportunity for you
32. Vacation is something you roll over to next year.
33. Every week another brown collection envelope comes round because someone you didn't know had started is leaving.
34. You wonder who's going to be left to put into your 'leaving' collection.
35. Your relatives and family describe your job as "works with computers,"
36. The only reason you recognize your kids is because their pictures are on your desk.
37. You only have makeup for fluorescent lighting.
38. You read this entire list, kept nodding and smiling.
39. As you read this list, you think about forwarding it to your "friends you send jokes to" e-mail group.
40. It crosses your mind that your jokes group may have seen this list already, but you can't be bothered to check so you forward it anyway.



Why I am overworked...
The population of this country is 18 million. 8 million are retired. That leaves 10 million to do the work.  There are 6 million in school, which leaves 4 million to do the work. Of this there are 1.5 million unemployed, leaving 2.5 million to do the work. Take from that 1,180,000 people who work for government departments and that leaves 1,320,000 people to do the work. 480,000 are in the armed forces, which leaves 840,000 to do the work.  At any time, there are 179,000 people in hospitals, leaving 661,000 people to do the work. At the moment, there are 660,998 people in prisons. That leaves just two people to do the work. You and me. And you're sitting at your computer reading jokes!


THINGS YOU'D LOVE TO SAY AT WORK, BUT CAN'T!
-And your crybaby whiny opinion would be...
-Do I look like a people person?
-I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
-Sarcasm is just one more service we offer.
-If I throw a stick, will you leave?
-You!... Off my planet!
-Does your train of thought have a caboose?
-Did the aliens forget to remove your anal probe?
-Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
-A PBS mind in an MTV world.
-Allow me to introduce my selves.
-Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
-Well, this day was a total waste of makeup.
-I'm trying to imagine you with a personality.
-A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
-Stress is when you wake up screaming & you realize you haven't fallen asleep yet.
-Can I trade this job for what's behind door 1?
-Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?
-Chaos, panic, & disorder - my work here is done.
-How do I set a laser printer to stun?
- I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.



One day, a little girl is sitting and watching her mother do the dishes at the kitchen sink. She suddenly notices that her mother has several strands of white hair sticking out in contrast on her brunette head.
She looks at her mother and inquisitively asks, "Why are some of your hairs white, mom?" Her mother replied, "Well, every time that you do something wrong and make me cry or unhappy, one of my hairs turns white." The little girl thought about this revelation for a while, and then said, "Momma, how come *all*of grandma's hairs are white?


Bill Clinton and Al Gore go into a local diner for lunch. As they read the menu, the waitress comes over and asks Clinton, "Are you ready to order?" Clinton replies, "Yes, I'd like a quickie."
"A quickie?" the waitress replies. "Sir, given the current situation of your personal life, I don't think that is a good idea. I'll come back when you are ready to order from the menu." She walks away.
Gore leans over to Clinton and says, "It's pronounced Quiche."



An attorney was driving through the countryside when his car failed him. He looked under the hood and knocked a few items around with a hammer. In the process he knocked off a gas line and got his arm soaked with gas before getting it back on. Discouraged, he attempted to start his car. Much to his surprise it started and he headed for the nearest town for a permanent repair.

To celebrate his success he lit up a cigarette, at which time his arm exploded into flames. He stuck his arm out the window hoping the wind at 50 miles per hour would put it out. He was promptly pulled over by a local constable and given a ticket for an illegal use of a firearm.



Two friends talking.
"My wife drives like lighting!" "You mean fast"? "No, she always hits the trees!"



A blonde dials 911 to report that her car has been broken into. She is hysterical as she explains her situation to the dispatcher.  "They've stolen the dashboard, the steering wheel, the brake pedal, and even the accelerator!" she cries. The 911 dispatcher says, "Stay calm. An officer is on the way. He will be there in two minutes."  Before the police get to the crime scene, however, the 911 same blonde is on the line again. "Never mind," giggles the blonde, "I got in the back seat by mistake."



We're going to take this opportunity to share his wisdom with you.
A Cowboy's Guide to Life 

Don't interfere with something that ain't bothering' you.  Timing has a lot to do with the outcome of a rain dance.  The easiest way to eat crow is while it's still warm.  The colder it gets, the harder it is to swaller. If you find yourself in a hole, first thing to do, stop diggin'.  If it don't seem like it's worth the effort, it probably ain't.  The biggest troublemaker you'll probably ever have to deal with watches you shave his face in the mirror every morning.  Never ask a barber if you need a haircut.  If you get to thinkin' you're a person of some influence, try orderin' somebody else's dog around.  Don't worry about bitin' off more'n you can chew; your mouth is probably a whole lot bigger'n you think.  You ain't learning' nothing when your mouth's a-jawin'.  If you're ridin' ahead of the herd, take a look back every now and then to make sure it's still there with ya.  Good judgment comes from experience, and a lotta that comes from bad judgment.  Letting' the cat outta the bag is a lot easier than puttin' it back.  The quickest way to double your money is to fold it over and put it back into your pocket.  Never miss a good chance to shut up.